Benno's Figures Forum

Posted by **musketier** on 22 Apr 2011, 01:27

"Just say, No"

Posted by **Paul** on 23 Apr 2011, 16:30

My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30am this morning,
can you believe that 2:30am?!
Luckily for him I was still up playing my Bagpipes.

I sat on the train this morning opposite a stunning Thai girl.
I kept thinking to myself, please don't get an erection, please don't
get an erection...

but she did.

The Grim Reaper came for me last night, and I beat him off with a
vacuum cleaner.
F*ck me, talk about Dyson with death.

Two friends are fishing near a bridge.
Suddenly a Hearse and two Funeral Cars go over the bridge so one of
the men stands up,
takes off his cap and bows his head.
When the cars have gone he puts his cap back on,
sits back down and carries on fishing.
His mate turns to him and says,
" Dave, that's one of the nicest most respectful things I've ever seen "
Dave replies,
" Well we were married for nearly 20 years "

Man calls 999 and says "I think my wife is dead"
The operator says how do you know?
He says "The sex is the same but the ironing is building up!

I've just had a letter back from Screwfix.
They said they regretted to inform me that they're not actually a dating agency.

A man walks into a welsh pub and orders a white wine spritzer.
The bar goes silent as everyone stares at him..."Where are you from?
You sound English", "I'm from across the severn," replies the man nervously.
"What do you do, just across the Severn?", "I'm a taxidermist."
"What on earth is one of those?", "I mount animals."
"Its alright boys," shouts the barman he's one of us.

Spent £40 on ebay last week for a p*nis enlarger.
Just opened it and some bastard's sent me a magnifying glass!

I saw a poor old lady fall over today on the ice!!
At least I presume she was poor - she only had £1.20 in her purse.

An old lady is being examined by the Dr. He asks have you ever been bedridden?
she says yes I have and I've been table ended and backskuttled a few times too

Went for my routine check up today and everything seemed to be going fine
until he stuck his index finger up my arse!
Do you think I should change dentists?

I was in the grocery shop today
I said,"Have you got any Margarine?".
Woman replied "Yes how many Tubbs?".
I said, "Just one you Cheeky tw*t!".

After a night of drink, drugs and wild sex Dave woke up to find himself next to a really ugly woman. That’s when he realised he had made it home safely.

Paddy says to Mick, “Christmas is on Friday this year”. Mick said, “Let’s hope it’s not the 13th then.”

Since the snow came all the wife has done is look through the window. If it gets any worse, I’ll have to let her in.

I’ve been charged with murder for killing a man with sandpaper. To be honest I only intended to rough him up a bit.

After years of research, scientists have discovered what makes women happy. Nothing.

A lad comes home from school and excitedly tells his dad that he had a part in the school play and he was playing a man who had been married for 25 years. The dad says, “Never mind son, maybe next year you’ll get a speaking part.”

Posted by **Rosbif** on 04 May 2011, 02:55

Geez, Paul, you're full of them!

Here's one my daughter told me that actually made me laugh (a lot!)

Daisy and Buttercup the cows were chewing their cud in the field one day when Daisy turned to Buttercup and asked, "Are you worried about the new strain of Mad Cow Disease going around?"

Buttercup said, "No"

"Why?"

"'Cause I'm a helicopter, silly!"